Shiny Shelf

Torchwood: Random Shoes

By Eugene Jones on 17 December 2006

WARNING! Contains spoilers!

“Cor blimey, isn’t life amazing and stuff, yeah right? Cos even if you’re a dull stereotype like me, you can still get an entire episode of ‘Torchwood’ devoted to you. And that’s, like, so amazing, yeah!”

“My name’s Eugene, you see, and I’m an everyman whose life is supposedly poignantly normal, especially after I get killed and all my family are all crying and stuff. PC Gwen gets upset too, because even though Torchwood are brilliant and I love them and follow them around as a ghost, PC Gwen is not just a super Torchwood agent but a brilliantly sensitive person. She even gets to stare meaningfully out of a window at one point. See, brilliant!”

“It’s really an honour to have this episode be all about me and my afterlife because, really, I’m not very interesting, certainly not when I’m droning on and on and on and on and on in voiceover, churning out sub-’Forest Gump’ platitudes about the wonderful nature of existence and how gosh-wow marvellous it all is in my reedy estuary accent. And how come I have an estuary accent when I’ve lived all my life in Cardiff and have Welsh parents. It must be a marvellous miracle!”

“So I follow PC Gwen around as a ghost while she investigates my life and tries to find out why I died, and then I get to come back to life briefly to save her. And there’s a bit with ‘Starman’ playing over some planets just to show how life is just so really amazing, although it kind of just shows the gulf between my episode’s desire for profundity and its poor execution.”

“So that was my life, and my episode. I hope you learned something from this, if only how you miss the scripting of Russell T Davies into ‘Torchwood’, as the contrast between this and Davies’ brilliant ‘Who’ episode ‘Love & Monsters’ is almost painful. ‘Love & Monsters’ did a similar idea so much better, and with the wonderful Marc Warren instead of a whiny twerp like me. I think if RTD had written ‘Random Shoes’ it would have been actually good, and indeed if he wrote more of ‘Torchwood’ in general, then it would be much better. Come on Russell, having you exec produce just isn’t the same as having you writing them.”

“Still, mustn’t grumble, because life is marvellous, even though I’m dead. Blah blah platitude blah. White Light. The End.”

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By Eugene Jones

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