Oh, thank you Maverick Films for ‘Army of the Dead’. I have to say, having watched it once, I went straight back to the start and watched it all over again.

However, this was as much from a sense of disbelief at what I’d witnessed as to enjoy the story.

That said, the basic plot elements are both simple and classic. Army of skeletons protect vast cache of cursed gold, which young, bland-faced college friends stumble across after their Professor uses their desert-based driving holiday to recover it.

To explain the backplot, the film opens with the disappearance of 10,000 (four) Conquistadors, as they discover the gold, and the skeletons rise up to kill them. The use of shadows for the awakening skeletons is nicely done, even if you can spot some of the skeletons are already wearing Conquistador helmets.

Back in the present day, our two fresh-faced leads are off on an adventure. Amy and John are in their car, and there is a moment when you think the film is going off in a whole other direction:

‘What’s the one thing you’ve always wanted to do, but the one thing I’ll never let you do?’ she asks him.

Turns out, she means racing VW bugs in the desert with some of their friends from college.

I was as surprised as you are.

So our cast meet up, and tell rather than show their relevant character points.

The girl we know is bad because she wears black eyeliner is John’s ex. But it’s OK, because ‘that’s been over for a year’, and ‘You’re with me now,’ as her new beau puts it.

My conflict/sexual tension senses immediately started tingling.

There’s another couple who, ominously for them, have no notable quirks or role, their Professor, who has a beard, and the trip leaders, who are less useless than everyone else at being in the desert. Apparently.

There is then some driving in the desert, (‘Cellphones off, helmets on!’  – no one puts on a helmet at any point, or seems to have a phone) with lots of shots getting their money’s worth from the stunt drivers. Indeed, I timed one long scene of cars and dunes, and it went on for over a minute. That’s sixty whole seconds that could be spent on undead skeleton warriors, for goodness sake!

Events progress as you might expect. They spend the evening around the camp fire and the Professor tells the spooky tale of his earlier desert trip, featuring the mysterious disappearance of a friend who found an ancient gold coin, and the legend of the lost, cursed gold. Next day, the Professor meets up with the stock bad guy and his useless henchmen, who have the missing half of his Secret Treasure Map for sale. They find the gold, the skeletons wake up, and all manner of carnage ensues.

Well, I say carnage. I actually mean bad CGI and plot-holes. The skeletons themselves are alright, but everything else was obviously bought as a job lot at a CGI jumble sale. If you can’t afford really good CG blood splatter, then get some cheap blood packs for your cast to wear, and do it properly.

In fact, all the blood effects are awful, and whilst I realise this isn’t a big budget film, the flames and explosions are inexcusably poor, too, and would have been bad ten years ago. Even the crackling fire sound effect is far too obviously the same short loop every time it’s used.

There are some unexpected plot twists: the fact that there is a nearby artillery range with loads of ‘live ammo kicking around’ is mentioned once then never again; the Professor is shot in the back by a flaming arrow quite early on, but quickly recovers and this is never mentioned again; the gold is supposed to be in the legendary, quite interesting city of El Dorado, but this is never mentioned at all; you can shoot or hack apart the undead skeletons to absolutely no detriment, but they do burn, and small explosions destroy lots and lots of them. And, as for electricity…

I especially liked that our heroes break down in the middle of a vast desert, but just happen to be within a torch beam’s range of a disused radio tower – yet at no point do they try to use the radio. Or switch their cellphones back on.

This is a frankly awful film; acting, plot, script, and effects. It does, however cross the line into potential late night drinking game, and would be a lot of fun to mock with friends.

In conclusion, rubbish. But quite fun rubbish, and you really do gain more from repeat viewings. Even if what you ultimately gain is amazement that this was released at all.

‘Army of the Dead’ is released on DVD on 13 September 2010. If pre-ordering it is something you would like to do, you can do so here.